Exomaxi Blog - 04/27/26

Playlist: Ambient 1: Music for Airports - Brian Eno

My Abuser Was My Designer - Jyonni :3

Its been some time since the day I left the hospital. It was the end of November last year when I had my second domestic dispute with a former lover I met through a queer dating app. (TAIMI) I know this sounds like a bad setup for a shitty joke, but sometimes; usually unsolicited, you are that joke. No pun intended. :3

What you can imagine, Im sure, is something over the top and dramatic, and yeah, it kinda was, but the fine details are hella blurry, per usual. Its a shame to admit that you can actually miss them.

A friend you thought you knew.

A question you wanted to ask.

A joke you wanted to make.

A story you wanted to tell.

So the question to ask yourself honestly is “how did we get here?”

And,

“Will it happen again”

______________________ Jyonni :3

Exomaxi Blog - 2

“BUT FIRST”

Some Context.

Meeting them for the first time was probably my first red flag; our conversation was nice for hours, and we shared a lot of hits from their bong. I was certainly attracted to them right off the bat, but I usually keep my guard up during these precious moments of first contact in what I would call the queer dating/hookup sphere, and its a hard line to navigate too. Some days you think things and fantasize about what a perfect world could look like, but unfortunately, the reality of a potential situation is often clouded by, well, I can honestly admit, a little hope.

And a lot of folks have died for that,

and less.

RED FLAG NUMBER 1:

Cuddling is okay for me; some folks dont like physical touch, but as someone who loves it and craves it, :3 theres a point when a threshold is reached and a boundary is met.

We were making out, and I was genuinely smiling at the sound of our lips touching softly. We had met once prior, but it was only for a short time. This night I had wanted to spend the night and cuddle. Of course, I was open to the idea that intercourse was a possibility; it always is (for me at least). However, I always use condoms and am a safe sex individual. Not just for my protection but also the respect for the act of sex itself and the trust that comes with the other person. :3

And if I don’t have condoms, then I dont have sex.

Unless there is a relationship, or at the very least, communicated respectfully.

That is a boundary and lifestyle choice I make, and if the other person disagrees with this, then we can have a mutual understanding. But what happened with this old friend of mine was nothing short of a pure disregard for my well-being and personal beliefs.

SCENE 1

J: “I dont fuck without condoms; its kinda of a thing I live by since this will be our first time hooking up.”

T:“Its okay, I have an IUD.”

J: “I understand that, but I still dont want to have sex tonight; thats my decision.”

T: “Ughh— you do realize the amount of pain and literal torture I had to go through to get this.”

J: “To be honest, its really fucked up that youre still trying to pursue me after Ive clearly told you no.”

- Angrily turns around -

T: “Whats fucked up is that youre not listening to me.” “I told you its fine.”

J: “Im not in the mood now; Id rather just leave.”

T : “Fucking go then.”

- Grabs things and leaves -

End scene

Is what I should have done and not looked back, but I ended up staying and just offered to cuddle instead because I just wanted to feel that again after a long while.

So I ended up leaving the following morning and forgave them shortly after that interaction. They apologized profusely, and of course, I forgave them because I was a sucker for guilt back then.

I still struggle with keeping my boundaries and enforcing them.

So as I ignored this giant red flag that flew over my horizon, big as the sun itself, I walked directly into the shadow of this extremely steep valley and entered unknowingly into a realm that would take me back to some roots of mine and one hell of an alchemical process.

___________________________________ Jyonni :3